Giving Cleveland’s Once Coolest Restaurant Another Shot

Nicole Patterson isn’t here to make friends. No. She’s here to eat, curse, and say it straight. In her Vittles&Nosh debut, Nicole pops into one of Cleveland’s most beloved restaurant franchises to see if the recent shutdown and reopening was the key to bringing back what made it great.

Upon entering, I was struck with a sense of nostalgia. Nostalgia and an expectation that I am very aware is toxic for me to put on a company that is trying its best to stay afloat after a series of poor decisions that led them to nearly bankrupt themselves.

I mean, there’s something to be said about a man who believes in a vision and will see it through till the end. That man who just so happened to be working in the kitchen like Gordan Ramsey, checking the food as it went out.

I sat myself at the bar and the menu was placed in front of me. When dining alone, I prioritize the happy hour selections and will only order from that. I want a good deal and I’ve made it my personal mission to find the best happy hours in Cleveland. It’s either this or sit on my couch without a buzz.

For starters, the happy hour cocktails are $9.

Ok. I guess that’s fine if we’re going to a more upscale establishment. But this is Melt. Or what I had previously thought of as Melt. I ordered the only vodka drink they had: Track 8. The cocktail’s name reminded me of a yesteryear when Melt’s menus were attached to old records.

Better days that I wish they never reminded me of honestly.

I looked through the happy hour selection for food. There’s… no sandwiches to be had for happy hour.

No specials for sandwiches at all?

But what they did have is pomme-f@#$!g-frites. Who the hell do you think you are?! Honestly. I want to know. Pomme frites at Melt.

I honored my decision to only stick to the happy hour and not go off course. I ordered the pierogi and pomme frites. Except I asked for french fries because I’m not saying that out loud and giving them any sort of gratification that they are doing the right thing. Because they aren’t.

The drink comes out. It’s fine. cI don’t care. Whatever. While waiting for my food I looked up their reviews on Google. Everything was mid, three stars, and “I miss the old days”.

I do too.

The pierogi came out with the fries. When I say pierogi, I mean it. Because while you might mistakenly think the plural of pierogi is pierogi, it’s actually pierogis. What these fuckers served me was one singular pierogi and some cabbage. It tasted fine but what the HELL?! Don’t make it a happy hour deal if you’re just making it smaller. Don’t even bother having a happy hour if you’re that bent for cash.

The fries were whatever. It came with an aioli and “house-made” ketchup. Get over yourself. It had fried garlic chunks in it, which reminds me of fancier places which offers a better experience and greater ambiance. Again, whatever.

I ate and asked for the check.

$23 for one pierogi, fries, and a vodka drink. Not crazy but I just want to go back to what this man promised us: weird sandwiches and cheap beer. Not something that insists upon itself.

Melt is dead.

The man who started the chain deserves to put it to bed and just open a new concept. If he chooses the right path, putting it out of its misery, I commend him and offer him one piece of advice:

Stay the f@!# away from Sysco.